From a letter to a friend:

First off, there are people, including me, who after you die will remember that you were valiant and human during many different hard times. However, I'd rather know you now than remember you later.

Who can remain optimistic forever? But not being optimistic now is different than never having hope. In July sometime I remember saying to my husband that I was so miserable that if it wasn't for the kids trusting in me and counting on me to be stable for them I would kill myself. Now, looking back and seeing how things were without the stresses of having him sick and in the house twisting our lives I think that if it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't have killed myself but I would have shut off, closed down, and moved out and on. I would have gone to start a new life somewhere else. It would be hard and miserable but way better than what was going on.

I also thought that by killing myself I would be saying that there was no chance of happiness or even lack of unhappiness in the future and I wasn't able to say that there was not love or joy or peace in the future...somewhere...for me or those I love.

I know that I have been loved very well. For 20 years I was so loved that I bloomed and love flowed out of me and onto other people. The way I feel now is how I think Saul must have felt when in 1st Samuel it says an evil spirit came from God in him but why would God send an evil spirit? I think it was how it looked and felt to have God's favour leave him. An unexplained loss of unconditional love; the withdrawal of unquestioned favour. A great prize I did nothing to win ripped from me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday how I felt was Ray LaMontagne - Til the sun turns black but today I feel Carl Hancock Rux - The Temptation of Saint Anthony. Things change.

Mmmmm, I made masala dosa for supper tonight and it was delicious. I dod not make it from scratch; I bought premade batter from the local Indian grocery. Still it was the first time I made dosa on my home stove using my non-stick allclad nonstick square griddle. Woot!

We ate until we were full for a few dollars of potatoes, onions, and some leftover veggies.

I got two thumbs up from all three kids.

Things I've done this year that I feel very good about:

1) I sent my kids to a 2 night 4-H Camp. I rested, read, knit and

2) Fixed the roof gutter. One end of the gutter has been tearing away from the roof for almost a year. I did not listen to the men at HomeDepot (I curse you for bankrupting our local hardware store) who said I had to replace the whole gutter system. I fixed the gutter myself and it has held up through huge rains and some snow and ice.

3) Arranged child care and went to an all day fiber workshop.

4) Had two lovely friends care for my children so I could go to a weekend retreat.

5) Committed to a job as a Special Ed aide through this school year.

6) Stopped changing the sheets on my kids' beds and let them figure out where that smell came from and how to fix it.

The next step for me after fabric postcards was using the materials and techniques for valentines. These are made with fusible interfacing and various ribbons, fabrics, and trims.

Cheery

Sophisticated back

Sophisticated front

I couldn't get good photos of the Almost Traditional valentine. The photos kept coming out fuzzy. IRL it is impressive.

Almost Traditional Back

Almost Traditional

My MIL took me to a fabric postacrd class at G Street Fabrics. It was a blast! I learned a lot about techniques and materials and was inspired to branch out. Fabric Postcard cottion print with limited quilting around 3 leaves.
Fabric Postcard ultrasuede and cotton print cutout.

New Year's Resolution Update:

My paperwork isn't filed but I have paid all my bills so far this year and I feel like I have a grip on them. I do tend to put off paying them because...it's scary putting $900 into the account and paying out $850 for bills and knowing that there are more bills coming. Last weekend I took my bills on retreat with me and they were dealt with quite quickly. I feel pretty good about my progress.

I'm having more trouble with joy. I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm not doing healthy things I know will make me feel better. My kids are grumpy, fragile, and bickery. The one thing that consistantly soothes me is the night sky. When it is clear and sharp, when the sky is darkest blue and the trees are sharp black silouettes, when there is a haze around the moon, when strips of clouds slide across the stars, there is a quiet solidity and a comfort to the size and space of the sky that keeps me quiet and safe. That's as close to joy as I get these days. I think it is more than a start.

Next up...photos.

I got lucky at the Thrift Store!

I always check out the fabric/wig/showercurtainring section of the Thrift Store just in case and this time I got lucky. Mind, I've gotten lucky before with cones of lovely shetland yarn but this time it was needles. Not slightly melted plastic needles or weirdly warped straight needles. I found 2 pairs of ADDI'S! In perfect condition! Still in the packaging! Ok,I probably used too many explamation points but it was very exciting!

I got one set of Addi turbos size 11 40" and one pair of wooden Addi's (I dodn't even know they made them) 4mm 80cm. The package for the smaller needles was inside the package of the bigger needles. There was also a single serving of Dutch chocolate sprinkles which are delicious on toast. I did not know they sold those sprinkles in single servings - boy would that help the portion control when we have them in the house! There was also a business card from Astrid's Dutch Obsessions (that wxplains the chocolate sprinkles) owned by Atrid Vane.A note on the back of the card thanks Linda for her patience and wishes her happy knitting. It's almost like a short story in my head. I love this sort of connection!

I added the needles to my Ravelry info and have already started using them. What am I knitting? Oh the same old thing - that top for my daughter's christmas present.It was done on Christmas day but she askedme to lengthen the sleeves and bottom of the bodice. She thanked me nicely for the top but raved about it to her friends so I KNOW she likes the design. I'm so happy to make her something she will wear.

I starteda pair of hand warmers from Knitty (charmed or the guy version) but my knitting time is set to the sweater.

I'm also spending more time than I like to admit playing Scrabulous and Scramble.

I'm still awake at 1:41am even though I'd have been happily in bed at 12:01. I had 3 kids here waiting until midnight to go to bed. We watched Bride and Prejudice and then the NYTS ball drop. I'm up waiting for my 15 year old to come back from a party. It was an adult party and she was invited as a guest of the child of the house. There was no alcohol in the home so I felt it was pretty safe.

The family got a Wii tonight and the party guests (adults!) were so enthralled by it that the party ran overtime. I offered to pick her up but the host is running a taxi service home (it cut down on parking issues in their neighbourhood).

I'm not very fond of New Year's Eve. I've done quiet at home with the family for my Mom's birthday with cream cheese and olive sandwiches. I've gone to fancy restaurants on dates. I've partied with people who drank huge amounts. I've drunk huge amounts. I've made many courced intricate and ntimate dinners for just the two of us. I've had family game nights with stew and chips.

It always leaves me unfulfilled.

I don't usually make New Years resolutions because I don't feel motivated by the turn of the year. I suppose the start of the school year always seems like the new year to me.

However, motivated by the questions that other people have asked me and the cold truth of single parent post-christmas light I have made 2 resolutions. 1)I resolve to keep my paperwork in order and under control. 2)I resolve to find joy in something every month.

I hope your new year is full of joy and love.