I've been madly knitting a sweater/top for my eldest. She knows the colour and that I'm making it for her and she has even tried it on while blindfolded but she doesn't know the pattern. It is the Simple Bodice from StitchDiva. I am more than halfway down the first sleeve. One more sleeve and the neckline to go. I was deluded (again at Christmas - how does that happen) into thinking I had plenty of time until I realized how little I had done in early December. I've been knitting during my free moments ever since.

This past weekend brought another crisis of self. My kids casually asked when we were going to get a tree and I realized I hadn't even thought about it. It all crashed in on me at once. Getting the Christmas tree was an event for my husband and the kids. They always got up early and journeyed out to a tree farm where they stalked the perfect tree, chopped it down, and drove home sipping cider or hot chocolate. Then he and I would work together to chop the extra branches and trunk off the tree so it would fit in the house. We'd all decorate it together. I don't know anything about the place they went, how much it should cost, or what they looked for (or he looked for). I know he was specific and the tree was always lovely. I asked him about the place they went and he said it had closed. I kind of had a minor breakdown to some friends about the whole thing. There are a few things I'm having trouble facing - buying all the presents, the tree, organizing the menus and some of it I am just ignoring. That doesn't work very well. I sucked it up and decided that getting a tree was more important that having a wonderful family tradition, we can build that anew later. After school we slogged by the library and hit a nursery that was selling Christmas trees. We picked one out and were back in the car 10 minutes later. The girls helped me get it in the house and set into the stand (the boy is on an overnight field trip for school). I acknowledged how hard it was to do this without him. We felt pretty good about what we did and how it got done.

Tomorrow night we will decorate.

Oh, I started a new job today. I am special ed aide for 4 1st grade boys. It pays as well as being a long term sub but without the onus of keeping sequential workdays going. It totally sucked to have to miss a day when the kids had a breakdown. It cost me $20 a day for the next 16 days. But what could I do? I couldn't very well say Sorry you are depressed and frantic and anxious and in need of comfort and therapy and perhaps medical care but I have to go to work...try to hold on until I get home. I had to care for them and nurture them and get them help. Really, that option is unacceptable.

The Christmas feeling is coming. I felt it on Sunday and every night when we read light the Advent wreath and sit together for dinner.