Last night was knitting night and we went. We are making it to the store to sit and knit about twice a month. Last week we were meeting with the Bishop and missed the knitting; knitting would have been more pleasant.

I didn't have much fun last night. I'm not sure what made it feel wrong.

1)It's a bit of a drive from our house; about 15 miles which isn't too far but is a 25 minute drive at least.
2)We have music lessons from 5-6pm and go straight from there to the knitting store; this means we either buy dinner out or pack something we can eat in the car.
3)We got to Sit'nKnit just after 7pm and there were no more seats available in the main section so the kids and I sat in a smaller couch chair circle but nobody joined us so conversation was between me and the kids and we talk all the time anyway.
4)The kids, who urged me to attend, asked multiple times very shortly after we arrived when we could leave. Then the girls asked for permission to go to the general store across the street where they bought chocolates for themselves. They did not take the boy with them.
5)I cast on twice for a Christmas present hat because I wasn't getting gauge. I worked out the gauge issue but then found that I could barely keep the stitches on the dpns I was using, I'm not sure if I have a circular in this needle size.

It's a long trip after a long day for (at least last night) very little benefit.

The dog is nuts. It has been raining off and on for two days and he acts afraid of the rain...most of the time. For instance, today he had to be coaxed out of the house in a bare mist , he chased the ball once and ran back to the porch. He could not be persuaded to leave the porch and he whined and scratched at the door. He finally peed after an amazing 12 hours of waiting. Any drop of rain coming towards him, any wet leaf on the ground or grass was enough to send him cringing back to shelter. That was except for at 11:30 last night and again tonight when he wanted to walk and walk. Tonight it was pouring and still he wanted to walk around the neighbourhood sniffing and peeing (especially the boxwoods - there is something about boxwoods). So what is the catalyst for his change? I want to invoke it earlier tomorrow.

Sock in Bearfoot was on the needles early this year. This pair was for my husband.

Not in order of knitting but in order of photo availability...Fair Isle socks--my first colourwork!

Pink and blue felted slippers from stash ends. You can't see the cuffs in this photo but the cuffs are colour reversed.

I miss physical contact. I dream of a hand on my back. I need physical giving instead of draining.

I also am feeling, suddenly and at odd times, the loss of 20 years of shared experiences. You know how your family and friends remember your shared experiences slightly differently? I like how that gives depth to my memories. I feel like huge parts of my life, almost half, are suddenly unsupported. If I reference that trip to Cocoa Beach nobody knows what I mean anymore. When I say that dress looks a "little bonchy in the back" no one smiles, people look concerned. All those things we used to remember with just a word or a look are alone in me and I can't trust them anymore to be three dimensional. I'm afraid they will slip away and I won't realize it. I'll forget that we called butt crack from low hanging pants in middle school boys "William's" and why. What have I already forgotten? Not love. Not good times. Not smoked mozzarella and sundried tomato cheesecake. Something else.

Here's the deal.

My friend for 20 years and husband for 16 left us (me, three kids) twice in just over a year. It was a huge shock to us the first time and less of a shock the second time. I've, we've, lived the last 2 years in crisis mode. We grieve. We're in therapy. We have been immersed in mental health issues and fallout, medications and diagnoses.

I am in a lot of pain. I felt unable to blog about it; I could barely talk about it with my closest family. I read other blogs and felt supported and helped and not so alone but I couldn't bring myself to comment and here I was silent. I was worried about privacy and linking to my life. I started an anonymous unlinked blog but the whole situation of my life became an elephant in the corner at my party. I became unable to share anything on my blog because I was avoiding that which was affecting me the most.

Lately, I've considered closing down all presence on the web but I decided instead to open myself up. It feels more honest and hopeful.

We'll be ok. We are damaged but hopeful in the main part. We keep going because I don't see a viable alternate. I keep going and doing the best I can for myself and our kids.

I hope I can breathe after this.