Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I miss physical contact. I dream of a hand on my back. I need physical giving instead of draining.

I also am feeling, suddenly and at odd times, the loss of 20 years of shared experiences. You know how your family and friends remember your shared experiences slightly differently? I like how that gives depth to my memories. I feel like huge parts of my life, almost half, are suddenly unsupported. If I reference that trip to Cocoa Beach nobody knows what I mean anymore. When I say that dress looks a "little bonchy in the back" no one smiles, people look concerned. All those things we used to remember with just a word or a look are alone in me and I can't trust them anymore to be three dimensional. I'm afraid they will slip away and I won't realize it. I'll forget that we called butt crack from low hanging pants in middle school boys "William's" and why. What have I already forgotten? Not love. Not good times. Not smoked mozzarella and sundried tomato cheesecake. Something else.

1 comment:

Jam said...

Oh, do I know what you mean! There are days when I can't *stand* for the kid to touch me One More Time, because I am just sucked dry. "Touched out," as a friend once put it. I never really thought about it, but you've described it well -- there's giving touch and needy touch, and you really need a balance of them in your life. I thank you for that, because it explains a lot of what I've been feeling, lately, too.

Love you!